Meowdieval History

 Bathroom door remained closed, I can't even. To confuse them, I took a mint to the kitchen. Bet they have no idea what's going on and out of confusion they'll leave the bathroom door open.

Today we'll talk about my past. I was born a long time ago in Texas. I was so cute and adorable, but people with no taste left me at a vet office, with a couple of broken bones and a head concussion. They did a lot to get me back into health, yet I cannot stand vets.

Once I was healed, they tried to get rid of me. Am I photogenic or what?

A Big Asshole took his gecko to the vet, saw the poster, and fell in love. I mean, can you blame him? In a very circle of life moment, Big Asshole believes I ate that same gecko years later. I cannot confirm nor deny.

And so I got a new house.

At first I was an only child, super sweet and spoiled. I easily learned some tricks for treats, and even earned my keep by getting rid of giant flies or moths that got into the house. My quirks started to manifest, remember the head concussion? One day I got into the shower with an Asshole and I loved it! It saved me so much time when grooming, it is great. In no time I had my own towel in the bathroom, which might or might not be related to me laying all wet in clean dry clothes.

The Small Asshole was away a lot, dunno where she went, but it was me and Big Asshole against the world. We even did a couple of trips, all 3 of us. I took showers at the hotels too.

Life was good, but one day Oswin just showed up. Dunno how it happened, bet they left the door open and she just made herself at home. They tried to separate us and introduced us slowly, but she hates closed doors and she jumped from a balcony to a sofa to escape her room. And so I guess our life together started.

I have to admit it was a hard transition, from being an only cat to having a tabby around. It felt weird! Things that used to smell like me now smelled like her. I went to take a nap on the sofa but it was taken. It was so annoying! Why didn't they leave the door closed?

We are also complete opposites. I am fabulous, playful, cute, adorable... and she's Oswin. She's usually very calm, but once in a while goes screaming and running from one end of the house to the other. She doesn't move toys, but plays with the ones I move. And she doesn't shower! So weird.

We managed to settle our differences and get to a truce. We stayed out of each other's way, unless I was in a bitey mood. That worked for us.

And then things changed again. First it was a gray kitten, Zuul.

He drove Oswin absolutely insane. He was also very attached to the Assholes, so they picked him up instead of me. He was pretty useful that way. Unfortunately he was sick and crossed the rainbow bridge. Even I was sad.

Everything was peaceful until yet another kitten appeared. Do they just let anyone in??

He was a tiny thing, but at first they wouldn't let me get close to him. He had his own room and his own cat tree. Like seriously??? That cat tree could have been mine! And I liked that room! Nobody asked for my permission to do this.

After a while they let him interact with us. He was OK, we had some fun playing moments together. He also liked to torture Oswin, that cat is a professional victim. He would go on trips with the Assholes, while we stayed with this nice lady that showed up once in a while and fed us. I liked her, she didn't pick me up.

Together we all moved from Texas to Colorado. It was a very long trip and a really small car. Ember was a complete jerk too, all the beds in the car were his! He was so annoying, I was tempted to kick him off the car in the middle of nowhere, but Oswin screaming for 6 hours straight distracted me.

Ember was sick too, but I think he had a fun life playing with me, cuddling with the Assholes and fighting Oswin. Life is made of little pleasures.

It was Oswin and I again, until the Gray Menace appeared. Seriously, do you ever close that door?!?

Now we're 3 again. I miss the only cat days, but I have to admit Ash really distracts the Assholes. They still pick me up, but not as often. He moves toys around too, and we chase each other. He drives Oswin insane too, but he understands not to mess with me. The hierarchy is clear.

We've all been together forever now. It is chaos, but it is our chaos. I might invite Oswin and Ash to write something from their point of view someday. We'll see.

Eat Sleep Meow Repeat

 I have to admit I'm an impulsive girl. My plan was perfect: the Assholes were going to go to the bathroom, notice the absence of toys and say "Cali has a point, let's leave the door open for her". But when I went to do my night screaming, the door was closed. I saw red! I couldn't help it, I immediately went to retrieve the witch cat. Obviously my plan didn't work, so back to toy protest it is.

As per the toy monster... I saw the Big Asshole standing in the perfect place, right under my spot in the stairs, so I threw it at his head. That will teach him. He was very surprised and he laughed to cover his hurt and humiliation. I wish I took a video, but I just acted without thinking. Here is a reenactment pic:

 The monster stayed there as a remainder of what it is like to cross Cali.

The topic of today is routine. I spend way less time than I'd like eating - we have a timed feeder and a night dinner. I love sleeping, it's one of my passions. Sometimes with my siblings we do synchronized napping.

My favourite napping spots are my carpet, any of my cat trees, my giant cat bed, the linen closet or the dresser. I was told I snore, but dunno, a perfect being like me could never. A good day of napping around is essential for a night of protest and toy reorganizing.

You cannot get Oswin away from the fireplace. I think she's the one that gets spoiled the most. She managed to get a disappointed look perfected, so the fireplace is always on for her. House could be super hot, but she's all like "I have short fur, I am cold!". Eyeroll. She has a dedicated hammock by the fire that nobody likes since it stinks of tabby.

She's always awake when there's food tho. Always alert and creaking.

Ash loves to sleep with the Assholes, it is disgusting to see. Their bed stinks of gray, I used to visit in the middle of the night, but now I have to walk over him to get to the pillows but I don't want to get my paws dirty, so I stopped.

When he's not in bed, he wants to lay wherever Oswin is. Except for the hammock, he doesn't like her hammock either.

He doesn't even try to do that to me. Oswin is too peaceful, I keep giving her strategies to fight him, but she's all like "love, not war". HOW IS THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU, UH? I can guarantee he still remembers the beating he got after he sneaked behind me and bit my ear. Guess what, my ear has been bite free since then.

The sun has hit the carpet, time to go nap again.

Shades of Meow

 Bathroom door was closed again last night. I usually keep carrying toys, one at the time, so they can have a physical manifestation of my protest. I want them to feel guilt, but the door was still closed. I decided to try a new thing: I took the monster with me. I hope the toy's absence gives the right message. I expect that door to be open tonight.

Today I want to talk about communication. I am a very expressive girl. If I'm happy, I scream a really loud MEEEOOOWW. Sometimes I do that while carrying a toy in my mouth. It gets super challenging, ever tried it?

If I demand attention, I do a little bark, like MRAWR!. Short and to the point. This one is for occasions like "I'm very wet and I want to be picked up right now". There's nothing like getting some love while soaking absolutely everything and everyone, it gets me in a great mood.

When I'm annoyed, I CLICK CLICK CLICK. Ash walked too close to me, or there's a bug, Oswin exists or Small Asshole picks me up and kisses me. They say I click a lot, instead of doing some self reflection or wondering why that happens.

For all other times, my generic go to is to SQUEAK. I sound like a squeaky toy... or so they say. Meow is too mainstream.

Then we have Oswin, I think she used to smoke a pack a day before I met her. She almost never talks, only when there's food or when she gets annoyed. What comes out sounds like CRRREEEAAAK. Her food cry is very distinct tho, it lets Ash and I know that if we go to wherever she is, we might get fed. She's like our early alarm system, an annoying alarm tho.

All Ash does is WHIIIIINE. If he wants attention, he whines. If he wants food, he whines. Once in a while he carries toys around too. He's not as good as me, but he tries. He does this pathetic MROW that sounds anemic compared to my mighty screams.

The Assholes try to communicate with us, but they fail horribly. They try squeaking, creaking, whining and just talking to us, but all I hear is white noise. I did pick up a couple of words tho! I know that if I do shake, bang or rollover, I get treats. But I'm not a monkey circus, so I only do it if the treat is in my line of vision. They also call me to take a shower, and if I'm in the mood, I'll join them. Finally, I also understand when they offer to go outside, but I'm allergic to everything so they almost never allow it. Assholes gonna asshole.

If anyone is reading, I'd like to know: what's your meow like?

Fameowly

The Assholes closed the bathroom door last night. I let them know my displeasure by leaving a monster. That will show them! Bet the door will be open tonight.

Anyway, last time I talked about how fabulous I am. figured I'd talk a bit about my family.

I live with The Assholes. There's two of them, a smaller one and a bigger one. They got their name because they could be feeding me all the time, but nooooo, they only feed me at certain times. I still remember when I was a kitten and I had free access to food. Those were the times.

They were always judgy: get off the counter, Cali. Don't bite your sister, Cali. Stop scratching the carpet, Cali. But during that blessed time, they were worst! You're getting chunkier, Cali. Is that a new roll, Cali? And since then, Meal Times were introduced. They suck.

Oh, and they also pick me up and kiss me. The indignity! Karen, I just licked my fur exactly how I like it, PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW! But nothing works. They still pick me up and attempt to kiss me. Assholes gonna asshole.

One day they left the door open and now I have a sister, Oswin. She's very stereotypically cat. My parents call her Standard Issued Cat, whatever that means. She's a good chew toy. Just like me, she hates being picked up and kissed, but she doesn't call them Assholes because she's too nice. The Assholes say that she's the responsible one: if they ask me to do something, I'll just tell them to leave me alone. Ask Ash to do something and he'll forget, so Oswin is the one you can rely on. Also she hates water, so I love to shake on her after I've had a nice shower. Life is about little pleasures.

Finally we get my brother, Ash. Dunno, he just appeared in the house one day. He's a disgrace to all cats out there: he loves to get picked up and kissed. Ew. He sleeps in bed with the Assholes, whines to get attention, goes up and down the stairs in someone's arms. Something is seriously wrong with that cat. He is also extremely jealous: if Oswin is sleeping somewhere, he has to have that spot. If the Assholes are holding me (EW), he cries because he wants to be held. I GET IT, YOU WANT ATTENTION. SHUT UP! The Assholes call him The Gray Menace, and he certainly is.

This is what I have to put up with every day. This is my life meow.

Meow World

My name is Cali. I know what you're thinking, but it is short for Caliente Malvada. Fine, I am a calico too, whatever.

I live in a house with 2 annoying siblings and 2 human assholes. They're lucky I let them all live with me. Everything in the house is mine, I make sure of that every day. It takes me 80 meows to go from one end to the house or the other. Something like that, dunno, might have lost count half way through.

My favorite place is the bathroom. The acoustics of that place are so perfect! I absolutely love pacing around the tube while screaming my little head off. Nowhere else in the house can I hit such perfect notes. If I'm in the bathroom, I'm happy and I love everyone. Except my siblings, obviously.

I figured it was time I sat down to tell you my adventures. So here I am, I intend to tell you a little bit about how fabulous I am every day or so. No promises, I have a busy schedule with the screaming and the napping.