Before there can be wonders, there must be meow

 Door was closed again. I am so done with it, I hatched a plan with 2 steps. Step 1: Get the donuts out of the toy box

Then I got distracted and left them there. But last night I went to scream, couldn't, so I completed the 2nd part:

That will show them!

The Assholes keep saying things like Merry Xmas, dunno, then they told me to stand still and took this pic. I look fabulous so I'm sharing it with you:

I was not on my way to play with some ornaments. Not at all. They also gave us Churu. I love Churu! Ash and Oswin ate theirs really quick, but I got mine all over my mane, nose, paws, belly... that way I have Churu all day long! No, Ash, you may not lick me!

Moving on. The topic of today is magic. Have you noticed that Assholes are magical? They can read my mind, like here I was, thinking about jumping on the counter, with poker face, when they're like "Cali, NO! No cats on the counter!". How do they know?!? I was just thinking it!

They will say things like "Don't you dare bite your sister again!" when I'm just staring at Oswin and contemplating. To be fair, I might have a bit of murder face, but still! I could be thinking of scratching her instead!

I also notice that things get moved magically. I go to nap and things are in one place, I come back and they are in another place. But I didn't see them moving them, it must have been magic.

And then the ever refilling treats jar and Churu jar. Dunno how they do it, there's always something in those jars. I wish I could open them and eat them all, and I bet they'd still have more afterwards.

There's also the fact that they die every night for an eternity, and then they get up like nothing happened. Dude, that's not normal! Normal is to sleep a couple of hours 20 times a day! Also they don't scream. How do they process their feelings without screaming? I can only imagine what goes on thru that head.

Dunno, maybe they'll show me their ways sometime.

Finally, here's another pic of us in a line, because Oswin says I never post her. Here, Oswin, as you wish.

Guest Meow: Bruce

 Yesterday I took the day off, for my mental health. I try to keep a cheery tone for the blog, but seeing that closed door and not being able to scream in the bathroom sometimes messes with my mind, you know?

Coincidentally, The Assholes finally picked up all the toys. I was starting to get annoyed at so many toys. Now I can concentrate on being annoyed that they touched my toys instead. All that hard work, dammit.

I protested with an egg.

I know, there should have been 2 toys, but the day off included toys too. I considered it, I even started the process, but then decided not to.

Putting the toys back is The Assholes job tho.

Back to business! While I was interviewing Maggie for last post, her roomie, Bruce, was around and I thought he looked cool, so I interviewed him too. Here he is, in his own meows:

Name and location

I’m Bruce. I used to live somewhere kinda cold. Then the humans put me in this loud metal thing for a long time and now we live somewhere kinda hot.

Cali's note: Look at that mane! I couldn't stop staring, almost as fabulous as mine!

Who do you live with?

A human who chases me, the human who screams when I bite, and another cat who slaps me when I tell her how bad her breath smells.

What makes you meow the loudest?

Any time I need to get the humans to open a door. I HATE closed doors!!

Cali's note: Twinsies! Scream, brother, scream! We deserve open doors!

What's a spot in the house that is yours and only yours?

My nap tunnel! I think it has more of my fur than I do at this point.

If you could only carry 2 toys for the rest of your life, which ones would you choose and why?

There is this squirrel that the humans put stuff in that smells amazing. Seriously I would rub that squirrel on my face forever.

Also the pickle, I guess.

If you could bite anyone (or anything) in the world, who/what would you chomp on?

THE RED DOT. WHERE DOES IT GO? WHY CAN’T I CATCH IT? WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKE?!

Tell us a story you're proud of

I’m really good at getting places I’m not supposed to be. I can get on top of the cabinets, I know how to open doors, and I even got out a 2nd story window once.

The humans always yell at me but I’ve already won.

Cali's note: You're always a winner in my book, Bruce <3. Keep them screamy!

Anything else you want to tell the world?

The humans make me smell stuff. Oranges and bananas smell really bad. But not as bad as Maggie’s breath.

Back to Cali. Sigh, these humans and their quirks... Like putting us in boxes, closing doors, and yelling at us. And don't get me started on siblings, amirite? Altho these two sound lovely, unlike my two.

Thank you Bruce! Kitten party keeps getting bigger. Can't wait to have some more screaming buddies!

Guest Meow: Maggie

 Door remains closed and very toy saturated. And they call ME lazy. I had to be creative with today's toy. Hope things are better tomorrow.

Today we have a guest! I love chatting with other kittens. I'll let her introduce herself in her own meows:

Name and location

Maggie, Bruce, whatever. I’ll come for anything that sounds like it’s for one of us.

Location: on top of the tower. On top of the couch. On top of the scratching post. On top of the human. Just, on top.

Cali's note: I already love her attitude

Who do you live with?

The human I can walk on, the human I can’t walk on, and the other cat who lives here but doesn’t deserve to.

What makes you meow the loudest?

The neighborhood cats who also don’t deserve to live here but try to sneak through the back door. They never set off the screaming box the humans have, so I take over.

Cali's note: Yay, screaming!

What's a spot in the house that is yours and only yours?

Everything the light touches. Seriously. If there’s sunlight on it, it’s mine.

Also the bed and whichever humans are in it at the time.

If you could only carry 2 toys for the rest of your life, which ones would you choose and why?

Two? I only need one. BLUE MOUSE.

If you could bite anyone (or anything) in the world, who/what would you chomp on?

Oooh biting! Biting is my favorite. I bite anything the humans put in front of me. I even bit the top of the one human’s head and I barely got in trouble. So…more heads.

Cali's note: I think we're soulmates, I love biting too!

Tell us a story you're proud of

One time I taught the human how to fix the lights in the kitchen. He had no idea what he was doing. I don’t know how they made it so long without me. That other cat is USELESS.

Anything else you want to tell the world?

I wish the humans would stop leaving things in my window sill! I’m tired of having to clean them up.

Back to Cali. I hear you, sister, I have to deal with useless cats and clueless humans. If only they could be more like us, right?

Thank you, Maggie, I loved your answers! You are invited to KittenConf with me and Max! But horrible neighbors aren't.

The best way out is always meow

 Bathroom door was closed, blah blah, you know the deal. The gaslighting avocado was there again. I am still not sure if I placed it there. Ugh.

Just in case, I started transporting another monster, but I lost steam half way up.

I might finish carrying it later. If it doesn't interfere with my napping and screaming.

We covered napping spots, it's time to cover sleeping positions. There are many comics about the subject.

We'll start with the easy one: Oswin is boring even when she sleeps. She will be a bagel, or a croissant. That's it. You'll never see her belly. She will not be covered. If she's a loaf, she's awake. She's such a stereotypical cat, yawn!

That is a pissed off croissant, because The Assholes forgot to turn on the fireplace before going to bed.

Ash can be any of those. He has a method:

He'll be a bagel, a croissant, a purrito, a Moeibus strip... That cat is completely unpredictable.

Here is him half purrito, mimicking The Big Asshole, using the pillow for support. The Assholes really fall for it, they absolutely love all of his sleeping positions, eyeroll.

And of course, me. I always choose comfy positions that make me look cute. To be fair it is really hard for me not to look cute. I never sleep completely on my back, but sometimes I'll offer my belly up for scratches.

As an older kitten, I started sleeping on laps too. Turns out they're pretty great. You keep them still, trying not to bother you, sometimes they pet you, but you know they're getting cramps and still can't move.

Usually I'll be super wet too, to make it more interesting. Dunno if you've ever held a wet cat, but Small Asshole always says "EEEEEWWWWWW" whenever she touches me after a shower.

They tell me I snore, but I don't think so, I'm perfect.

I think I'm between a pretzel and a pancake. Absolutely perfection.

Not all who meow are lost

 Yesterday I did an inventory. Dunno why the monster hasn't eaten them, or why The Assholes haven't put them away (so lazy), but Ash and Oswin keep moving my toys so I keep losing track of them.

The stairs:

The bathroom door:

Bathroom floor:

2 things became immediately clear:

• The bathroom door is saturated
• The toast disappeared

I couldn't find the toast, and I really feel like things aren't flowing without it. Like the energy is wrong, you know? So I did the next best thing. I saw the closed door, ran to my toy box and got Giant Toast:

I feel so much better now. The door of the bedroom looks like the door of the bathroom, so I think my next pile of toys will be there. I haven't committed tho, we'll see what tomorrow brings.

In other news, Oswin, Ash and I had a meeting. We discussed some admin stuff, like who's going to scratch the carpet (me) or scream in the bathroom (me) and rot in front of the fireplace (Oswin). The most important part was we agreed what to do with the giant cat tree:

We decided to play to our advantages: Oswin chews on the tree branches, Ash climbs on it and I take ornaments down. I'm happy we reached consensus and everyone got very specific tasks yet we managed to keep the workload equal for everyone.

Ash already went hard at it, altho I don't have a pic. But here's the aftermath:

Time to log off for the day, but remember, fortune favors the screamer! Off to meow I go.

Oh, the places you'll meow!

 Things have been slow, so I slacked off and napped instead of writing.

First things first, yesterday one of the Assholes woke up early and left the bathroom door open, so I carried my pineapple straight in.

Then I started screaming. It's so much better this way, dunno why they just won't leave the door open. I wish they were as smart as me, no matter how much I try, I cannot reach them.

This morning I was carrying an avocado slice and got all excited. What if the door is open again! Got distracted, dropped the slice and had to start over. Ugggh.

So I went down, selected a donut, started going up the stairs and got distracted again, wtf. I dropped the donut too. Fuck it, I left it where it was. The door was closed anyway.

I had to wait until the lazy people got up to actually go scream. So annoying. They sleep forever too, why not sleep normally, 2 hour stretches all day long? Such a mystery.

Anyway, the topic of today is napping. Choosing the right spot for naps is an essential skill. These are my rules:

• Same room as The Assholes if possible. I just don't trust them, I want them close by
• A spot that doesn't stink of tabby cat or gray cat
• Bonus point if the spot is in the sun
• Sometimes I want soft surfaces like a blanket, sometimes a hard surface like the floor
• I'll sleep on MY rug to prevent others from stepping on it

Sometimes that means sleeping on the sofa in the Small Asshole's room, or a nap on the computer of the Big Asshole. The key is to be flexible and find the spot that annoys everyone the most.

As an example, Small Asshole went to the bathroom and found this when she came back:

The fool thought a balled up blanket would discourage me. I told you they're not very smart, bless them.

But then I started thinking, do we all choose the spots the same way? I paused my screaming to ask Oswin how she chooses:

By the fireplace, on my hammock. If I'm hot, on the chair with the soft blanket.

 That cat has no imagination.

Then I asked Ash:

It has to be in the same room as mom and dad.

I know, because you don't trust them, right?!?

What? No! Because I love them and I cannot live without attention, duh!

I'm speechless. He's a disgrace to cats everywhere. But I digress.

If possible, wherever Oswin is. I'll jump on her and annoy her until she leaves. Otherwise the place is not important.

Eyeroll. This cat...

I love to sleep belly up, so anywhere that lets me stretch. Oh, if not upside down, my paw needs to dangle.

OK, I'm sorry I asked.

So there you have it, we all have different priorities. Obviously mine are the best ones, but at least now I know.

Enjoy the little meows in life

 Had a busy day, skipped a blog post, but I didn't skirt my other responsibilities. I faced two closed doors, and I left 2 protest toys.

Day 1: A donut

We almost had a complete breakfast! So the next day's choice was pretty obvious: a toast.

It's getting hard to find a good spot for them, The Assholes Cleaning System is failing here.

Anyway, you're probably wondering what I was doing instead of writing the blog. Well, for starters I had to move those toys, duh. Then I decided that I had all this bottled up energy inside that needed to come out. I combined that with my desire to mark my whole house with my scent. I had some zoomies over the kitchen cabinets.

I was kinda worried that a cat was going to get there and was not going to be able to smell me. That's how most invasions start, you know? First the less guarded place, then my house is gone.

I ran from side to side, rolled around, bonked my head, looked down, looked around my whole house. You know, the usual.

I noticed the Assholes were up to something tho. They started carrying these boxes up. I had to get down to investigate. After a bit, what they were doing became clear:

I, of course, chose to help them every step of the way. My new cat tree looks pretty good, if I say so. We were pretty pleased with the result and cannot wait to destroy everything that hangs on it.

She believed she could meow so she did

 Another day, another closed door, another protest toy. Or two. A shrimp and an egg. I guess I was hungry.

Also the avocado disappeared. It was making me uncomfortable. Did I put that there? Whatever, I refuse to think about that.

The other day The Assholes left. We were alone for a long time, it was so freeing! They left the bathroom door open too. I started my day by screaming in there. I screamed and I screamed, I sang the song of my people, I performed a whole opera. It was great.

Once the screaming was out of the way, I went to scratch the carpet. Nobody to scold me, just scratch scratch scratch and my claws looked fabulously murderous.

Afterwards I took a nap on the counter. I made sure to rub my asshole everywhere, of course.

Next I chewed on the plants. There's something so satisfying and crunchy about them. They taste very green.

I was worried I was running out of time, I managed to sneak in one more screaming session before I went to make sure I had left fur all over the stairs. And the bed. And the carpet. And the counter. And the sofa. I was trying to subtly hint that this is my house, I hope they got it.

The grand finale was slapping Oswin and chasing Ash out of my rug, At my age it's important to get exercise, you know?

I was napping on the same blanket I was on when they left. They even made a joke about lazy cat not moving from her spot. Hehe, assholes, bless their souls.

Meowsic

 The door was closed. Again. Of course. Now, because of the Schrödinger avocado, I changed my approach. I went to the toy box, selected something, and started screaming. I screamed my little head off until I got to the bathroom door and deposited my treasure. Now I have multiple witnesses that it was me and only me.

It was in the middle of the night. The Assholes were delighted, they joined me in the screaming!

Today we're going to cover music. The Assholes listen to music quite often, and more annoyingly, the small one sings. I wish she didn't. Sometimes even the Big Asshole joins in. Ugh.

They listen to this kinda cool rhythm. It makes the speaker vibrates and I love those vibrations! Whenever they listen to that sound, I lay down on the vibrating box and enjoy. They call me EDM kitten, whatever that means.

This pic is now 10 years old. Time flies by! But EDM kitten still enjoy deep bassy sounds.

There's also this song they listen to, and it goes clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky clicky... They say that's my song, because I click when I'm annoyed. Why I'm annoyed is such a mystery, am I right? Eyeroll.

I also have to hear more classic things like, Caliente Malvada, Cali Muy Malvada sang in the Mario Underground level theme, or Squeaky Cat, Squeaky Cat, she's the cutest, Squeaky Cat. but with the Spiderman song. Save me!

And then there's Oswin's song. You see, in 7 years that we've lived together, she's only bit the Small Asshole once. And it was by accident. Pathetic, I live to bite. So now they call her The Face Biter and she absolutely hates it. Her song says... I have a kitten, can you check? M on the forehead, bite my face. And when you touch me baby I go EEEEEEEEE. It's kinda funny if you ask me, but she doesn't see the humor in it. That's what she gets for being a face biter.

I guess I should cover Ash too, sigh. You see, they don't call him Ash, the Assholes call him Ash Gordon. Yeah, like that ancient comic. He even responds to that name. So his song is from there: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ASH! Ooooo oooo. Ashhole of the Universe! He loves it. Lives for it. Absolutely disgusting.

Now you can play some torture tunes to get in the mood. My mood for the last 12 years. Click Click Click.

To err is human, to meow, divine

 This post is delayed because I had an issue with my tablet.

The fireplace is off, so she's being all irrational, saying she has short hair and she deserves nice things. Not my things, Oswin, dammit!

Anyway, after we bit of fighting, I got her off and here I am.

The door was closed, as usual, but this time I don't remember carrying any toys. I bet is that other stupid cat messing with my system.

Or is my memory going? I'm 12 years old after all. Maybe I carried that avocado. I guess we'll never know. Fine, Ash gets to live another day. And I might be 12 but I'm still fabulous and a tiny kitten.

Yesterday was a lazy day, it was gray and meh, no sunny spot to lay on. I took a shower, screamed some, shook on Ash, requested pets while soaked then went to lay by the fire.

Oswin's beans try to upstage me. That cat just ruins everything. I have beans too, and they are as equally adorable! Bet that's why she was trying to sabotage my blog.

We also had some giant things visit us. They look more like us than Assholes, but they have horns. Ash was all ekekekekekekek, but I have been around the block and nothing fazes me.

I think Ash annoyed him into leaving with all his ridiculous noises. 

Also look at those ghosts, the Assholes are so immature. Should I say any more? I want the earth to split and swallow me when I think about people referring to my house as "the house with the ghosts". Seriously??? It should be "the house with that fabulous calico kitten". Didn't you get the memo? Halloween is over!

If you zoom into that pic, you'll see me napping in protest. Anyway, that's my house. I was proud of it until they put the ghosts up. Without my permission. I'm not that tacky.

Ugh, assholes.